Angrizzle and the Dreaded M-Word

Now, I doubt anyone's actually going to read this, but just in case anyone does, don't take anything personally... I am just being a cranky bitch and I obviously have some issues to work out.

That disclaimer out of the way...

I fucking hate it when my friends have boyfriends.

Yeah, I know. That makes me a horrible person. I know I should be happy for my friends, especially as said friends have awesome boyfriends that I actually like. Only trouble is, remember that bit about how I'm a Scorpio? Yeah. That makes me extremely jealous and possessive, unfortunately by nature.

Not jealous of my friends for the fact that they have a boyfriend... matter of fact, I don't mind being single all that much. Sure, there are times when I get lonely, times when I'm horny, whatever. Yeah, I suppose it would be cool to have a boyfriend, but really, it's not something my happiness and sanity rests upon. I'm pretty fucking independent... and by that, well, I really mean I hate trying to operate as a unit. Functioning as a couple and trying to always think about the other person - i.e. not drooling over whoever in my chem class or whatnot - feels distressingly restrictive to me, and I don't work well that way. I may be a great friend, but I'm a terrible girlfriend, and I know it. I never let any of my boyfriends get past a peck on the lips - two if lucky - and I am well aware that that is nowhere near enough to satisfy the libido of any adolescent male. And I have this horrible tendency to freak out, feel like my boyfriend is way more into me than I am into them, and what do you know, we break up. Must be like a fear of commitment or something. Anyway, point is, at least in my experience so far, being in a relationship is a nice novelty for a while, but soon I get scared and it ceases to be enjoyable for me. Awesome, huh?

So, no, that is not why I am jealous. I am jealous of the boyfriends. They take over my friends lives, minds, and words, and pretty soon several things happen. I get pushed to the sidelines, I get kicked off the phone the second the boy calls, and my friends cease to be interested in me. Best friends? So what? The boyfriend is the priority, so kbai. And, due to my jealous, possessive (and emotionally insecure/low self-esteemed) nature, I soon get beyond envious and I feel cast aside. I realize that's pretty black and white thinking, but it's how I feel. Friend gets boyfriend, I become immediately second place, unimportant, the easy sacrifice. So my reaction? I get angry. Passive-aggressive angry, of course, because I know throwing a fit about how "how come you like him more than me?" would be incredibly childish, not to mention I don't have the balls to be that forward. So I glower, ignore, and come up with dumb excuses to snub. Two can play at this fucking game. I don't want to hang out with you anyway. You obviously don't care about me, so why should I give up my time of day to spend time with you when ALL YOU EVER FUCKING DO IS TALK ABOUT YOUR FUCKING BOYFRIEND???

(Because you have nothing better to do, Lauren? Because you're lonely as hell? And you have this whole spring break, sitting around doing jack shit? And doing it alone?)

Yeah, whatever. I guess being alone is better than being in the room with someone who has clearly demoted me to not-as-worth-my-time-as-my-precious-boyfriend status. At least for now, until I get over myself...

I know. I'm fucking insecure, childish, self-obsessed, self-centered, and plenty of other negative adjectives that would look fantastic on my resume. I know that. And that's part of why I'm so upset. I'm mad at myself for being such a fucking baby, not to mention a lousy friend... I should be happy for you, after all. But I'm just sad for me, jealous of Mr. Right and his use of your dear time.

And some of you have even been throwing around that M-word.

M-m-m---marriage.

EEEK. HOLY WHOA!! WAIT A MINUTE!! None of us are even fucking 21?!?!? What the hell is that word doing in first-person sentences?

I haven't even lost my goddamn virginity yet... not that I'm in any hurry to. I'm pretty sure if I just went out and got laid I'd scar myself for life.

Not the point. The point is, I don't want to be left behind... you people are getting married, even having kids, and here I am, have never even made out with anyone. But, more importantly, I don't want to grow up that fast just so I can be on that same plane with you. So, I don't want you guys getting married and leaving me!!! STOP IT.

I have one friend who is already married and has a son... and yes, I really am truly happy for her. I know she has been through hell and back a number of times, and I cannot think of anyone who deserves wedded bliss and a beautiful baby more than her. But, regardless, getting married vastly changes the dynamic of our friendship, like it or not. That whole thing about operating as a unit? She has to do that in a very big way... I don't just get her anymore, I get the whole family.

Not that I don't love the family. Her husband is a very cool person, and perfect for her, and her baby... well he's an angel. It's just that it's so very different than it was, and I don’t adapt to change very well, unless I initiated it. I have to plan "us" time around three people now. And, of course, I'm no longer the first line of communication, the one to be there for her. That's her husband now. On the one hand, I guess it's nice not to have that responsibility, but it's kind of distanced us. I hardly know what's going on in her life anymore, and as the baby gets older and more demanding, I'm sure that will only intensify.

And what about my other friends, the ones with boyfriends-but-not-husbands... yet? Will you marry yourselves away and leave me behind to access you through your families and the barrier of knowing I'm not the first one you call when you're crying, or the person that means the most in your life?

I know that's selfish, but I need people to need me. If they don't, that makes me useless. Purposeless. Superfluous and, well, why don't I just go away? Yeah, it's not quite that simple; I know it's not that people get married and don't need their friends anymore. But I will cease to be needed on the level that I've come to know, and that it very unsettling to me.

I'm the fucking perfectionist from hell, and feeling like a second-rate companion simply will not do. I know I can't be everyone's best friend, and that's fine, but the people that I do call my best friends and vice versa... well it really hurts to feel as if this boy, who you've known a fraction of the time you've known me, has taken my place. Hurts like hell, and I can't help but want to retaliate in defense... how making you feel unneeded will make me feel any better, I don't know. I guess I'm just a control freak. I like having at least some shred of control over an outcome... if I have none, I feel helpless and small... invisible and disposable.

Friends, if you read this absurdly long rant... way to go, I guess you have a shitload of time on your hands. I love you. I really do. I'm just a mess and I'm feeling abandoned and unwanted. I honestly feel like no one likes me sometimes, and I have to feel accepted to accept myself... I have a long way to go to get there, and I suppose that's why I'm hurting so bad.

You don't have to change anything. It's your life, and I can't and won't stop you. Choose what you will. I'll be here.