No words can even describe this feeling...

I didn't think this day would ever come. It's more peaceful than I thought it would be. I expected... well I don't know exactly what I expected, because I don't think I imagined that it would ever happen without faking it.

I didn't fake anything. I'm okay. I really am okay, I'm not happy, but I'm fine. I'm so glad I feel fine. I never knew it could feel this good. It wasn't a flawless lack of a reaction, but it was just what it should be.

I was upset, concerned, and sympathetic.

But not empathetic. No desire for symbiotic suffering. Just "I'm sorry." And that was it. And now she's fine, and so am I. And it's beautiful. I feel okay. Just okay. And that's all I could want. It really is Good Enough. I didn't feel like Voldemort. I didn't cause anything. I didn't have to panic about anything. I just had to express my sympathy, let her get off the phone to get sick, and then I finished my coffee. And I was okay. I didn't want to tell anyone.... I never do. But not because I'm hurting, because I'm fine. I don't really want to talk about it somehow. It feels so personal, I'm still processing, wondering how I can possibly be sitting here writing this... shaking only because I've been drinking caffeinated coffee.

I'm not angry at anyone for this, it just happened... and now it's done, and I don't need to think about it, or remember the date ten months from now. We're not going to the concert now, but that's alright because I didn't really want to go anyway.

The only strangeness left is how confused I am that I'm okay. I'm usually a million miles from okay right now, guilt tripping that I dared to think about Tory this morning, and that I made it happen. I didn't. I didn't do anything. I just said "feel better" and that was...

Oh my god... I'm okay. I'm fine. I never thought this would ever happen... it's so powerful, I don't feel like I even know how to tell anyone... I'm still sensitive enough about being babied that I don't really want to bring it up. Maybe I'll just wait. Keep processing this, and maybe I'll talk about it out loud eventually.

Wow...