Option 1, I choose YOU! For now, anyway.

Well, after writhing in misery for the last three days - that's option 2 - I decided that maybe a reversion to Option 1 - allowing my OCD to defend me against the misery - would be a good idea for a little while considering the severity of the situation. So, as much I hate/am ashamed of writing these stories, I decided to write one anyway, except, instead of representing the pain-inducing situation through Tory as usual, I would actual use her to represent my character specifically in the struggle. So this isn't anything close to what actually happened, but I wrote it so that she's going through the same sort of pain that I was, yet within the parameters of her character. I also made a point to make it seem like she was getting ridiculously upset over a really little event... well, I don't think I even need to explain why THAT'S significant!

So without further ado...

An Excessively Guilty and Overly Ashamed Conscience, or Let It Go…very, very loosely based on a true story. October 1994.

I walked around to the back of Karl’s house, looking for a suitable object to throw at his window. Finding a rubber ball presumably left by one of his many siblings, I tossed it upwards and thought gratefully that I had a decent sense of aim. Presently Karl appeared at the balcony and came down to meet me.

“Hey babe,” he said. “I thought you were with Rachel. What happened?”

“Something bad,” I said, giving him a hug and trying not to cry.

“You’re not hurt, are you?” He asked, and I shook my head. “Is she?”

“No, Rachel didn’t get hurt either,” I said. I gave up and cried anyway.

“Aww, baby… well, come on inside, you wanna try and tell me about it?”

I walked with him up the stairs; his arm around my waist was making me feel a little safer, although it always made me nervous coming to his house unannounced, hence my habit of throwing rocks at his window. Once we were in his room, I picked up the red and black fleece blanket from the foot and his bed and held tight to it, trying to banish my guilt. It wasn’t going to happen. Karl sat down next to me and rubbed my back.

“What happened?” He asked again.

I buried my face in the blanket. “I threw up in front of Rachel,” I said. “She freaked out… I mean, she didn’t kick me out or anything, I just couldn’t stay there anymore, I felt so bad about it…”

“Why? That’s not so bad.”

“Well… I couldn’t make it to the bathroom,” I said. “It’s been so long since I’ve done that… it’s only when I get motion sickness, otherwise I can control it…”

“That’s alright, baby, it happens to everyone once in a while.”

I couldn’t stop crying now. The guilt was just making me feel sick again, and I couldn’t do anything to make it go away.

“I know, it’s not just that!” I said. “It was so scary, the look in Rachel’s face, like it was her fault…”

“That’s crazy, why would she think it was her fault?”

“Well because she was driving I guess… she doesn’t have her license yet, so she was nervous enough about that… but her car is a stick like yours, but she’s not as good at driving it as you are, plus she was scared to death to get pulled over, so she was driving like a grandma, pumping the brakes all the time and everything.”

Karl suppressed a laugh, probably amused by the unlikely thought of Rachel driving like a grandma. “Sorry, I shouldn’t be laughing,” he said. “I know that kind of driving makes you sick faster. She probably wasn’t thinking about that, though.”

“Yeah… she didn’t even know until we were almost there.”

“Of course, you wouldn’t tell her, would you?”

“What difference would it make? I would have gotten carsick anyway. That’s not the point.” I sniffled. “Well she asked me something, but I didn’t answer right away cause I was just breathing, trying to settle my stomach… and then she asked what I was doing, so I told her I was feeling carsick, and she just said something like ‘don’t puke in the car, that’ll look really bad if I got pulled over,’ so I told her I wouldn’t. But when we got to her house…” I couldn’t talk anymore for crying so hard.

Karl hugged me and tried to get me to relax, but it was useless. “Do you have a tissue?” I asked. I was afraid I was going to get snot all over his blanket. He gave me one and told me to keep talking.

“Well I told you,” I said, “I didn’t make it. I got as far as the top of the stairs, but then I couldn’t hold it.” I held tighter to the blanket and dug the fingernails of my other hand into my palm, trying not to scream. “Rachel completely froze… I told her I was so sorry, but she didn’t say anything, just stared at me… I felt so bad for her; she had no idea what to do… I think she finally said something about not realizing I was so sick, and asked if I was okay… I told her I’d be fine, I’d clean it up… she didn’t answer, just sat down, I think she might have been crying…”

I stopped and held my breath, and shifted my attention to my fingernails. I wanted to punish myself for putting Rachel through so much trouble, and at the same time, I also felt guilty for causing Karl trouble. He was probably right, I probably was making too big of a deal out of it, but I couldn’t help it… that was just the way I was.

“Huh,” said Karl. “Is Rachel scared of puking? Cause that would explain a lot.”

“No,” I said, “I don’t think so. She told me once, though, she’s scared of… being responsible for people, doesn’t want them dying on her watch or something like that.”

Karl raised his eyebrows. “Dying? Come on, you just got carsick, jeez.”

“I know…” I found it a little ironic that he was saying this now. I had said almost the exact same thing to him when he was going ape-shit about me making myself throw up on a road trip to get it over with. “Yeah, so it’s a little extreme, it’s just some phobia of hers I guess. I just feel so bad for freaking her out like that! Not to mention it was embarrassing! I’ve never thrown up in front of her at all, let alone on the floor!”

“Baby, don’t worry about Rachel, she’ll be fine. Everyone has their fears, she’ll get over it. She’s probably over it already. You’re here, you’re not her responsibility anymore. It’s probably one of those things you don’t think about once it’s over. Besides, she has her mom to take care of her if she’s still freaked out. That’s more than you can say.”

“Oh God, her mom… she’s gonna have to finish cleaning… oh my god, she’s probably gonna get mad at Rachel, and—”

“Tory. Rachel’s mom is a nurse. I bet she could clean up puke in her sleep. I’m sure it’s no big deal.”

“I guess,” I said, wiping my nose again and trying not to choke on myself. I wished I’d been able to stay long enough to finish cleaning like I’d said I would, but I couldn’t stand to watch Rachel sit there, frozen in uncertainty any longer. The tears resurged, and poor Karl scooped me up and tried to get me to lie down.

“Baby, let it go!” He said. “Rachel will be fine. Her mom will definitely be fine. Now I just need to make sure you’re going be fine.”

“I am,” I wiped my swollen eyes. “I feel better now.”

“That’s good,” said Karl, and he kissed my cheek. “Now you need to relax.”

I was still crying. I didn’t know how to make the guilt go away. I wanted to go back to Rachel’s house right then and tell her I was sorry, but she probably didn’t want to talk to me.

“Shhh…” said Karl. He pushed my hair out of my eyes and kissed me again. “I love you,” he whispered. “I hate seeing you like this… please believe me… it really is okay. I’m sure everyone will be fine. Let it go, Tory. Breathe, sweetheart. It’s okay.”