Seriously people.

I'm not anorexic. And that's a solid fact. Get used to it.

I consumed 1693 calories today, according to MyPyramid's calculations. Yeah, that's not quite marathon food, but it certainly isn't starvation. And there was plenty of fat in there, I promise.

And my exercise? I walked home from, back to, and back home from school, and then to and from the rec center, totalling about an hour, maybe a little less. And I had an hour long hip hop class, but we only did three eight-counts. Not like I was running for hours on a treadmill until I barfed or anything.

Ok, so I have some body images issues. I'm 20 and female. What 20-year-old girl doesn't? Honestly. So I want to be thin and beautiful. Something I've supposedly always been. I don't want to be 110 pounds or anything crazy.

Ok, that's a lie, I do. BUT, I also would rather be about 5'4", and at that height, 110 would give me about the same height to weight ratio that I have now. I'm not trying to be 110 and 5'7". But I can't lose height, so I'll settle for being something under 130. That's not so tragically thin, not considering I'm a 32A. Not much weight to bear up there.

My BMI is 20... just the light end of "normal." No calculation I've ever seen has said that I'm underweight. Maybe a little below average, but not unhealthily so.

THEREFORE, I am not anorexic. No two ways about it. Plus, some psych test I found online had this to say after I took it:

"Your eating attitudes are moderately unhealthy (in psychological terms, not necessarily nutritional). Somewhere along the line your body image has gone awry. Unfortunately, the ever-present media does not reflect reality in its depiction of the perfect body. It is of utmost importance to recognize this disparity and to learn to be critical of the images thrown at us by the media. The perfect body is a healthy body. Your perspective seems to have been affected by society's unfair messages that food is bad, eating is evil, and calories are the work of the devil. Take time to re-evaluate these internalizations and begin the essential journey to acceptance of your body as it is. Eat well, exercise, and stay healthy!"

Translation: I could use a shrink, but I'm not gonna drop to the ground from malnutrition any time soon.

Get real.

If I was so unhealthy, I'm pretty sure those cheer clinics would have knocked me on my ass, and I would have come home with an IV in my arm. Yeah, they made me sweat like a pig and breathe pretty damn hard, but it's called a workout. And I'm not in great cardio shape, thank you leaky heart valve.

Still alive. Still breathing on my own. Still standing. Not fainting.

Hello.

I need some serious help

Well here's a 180 degree turn around from yesterday. I am A MESS.

I haven't eaten in... nineteen hours. And I have absolutely no desire to. In fact, I feel like throwing up, although that's probably next to impossible considering I've had nothing but water since before 4 o'clock yesterday. But my stomach is absolutely killing me, my heart is racing (after just getting up to pee and walking back to my room, it was 144bpm... my resting rate is like 75-85) and I am shaking like crazy... I know I should eat, but I can't, I just can't.

I'm no better than Catherine Fucking Linton. If you all haven't read Wuthering Heights... well Catherine is psychosomatic whacko that literally makes herself sick to get her way, starving herself, sitting in the rain until she gets a fever, and so on. I'm not trying to get anything, but I can't fucking eat. I have it in my head that I should go twenty-four hours, and then I can eat again... so at around five today, since daylight savings time happened. That's only five more hours. I need a shower, so once I dry my hair and do my makeup, that's about an hour... I'm sure I can find something to do for the other four hours... besides I don't want to eat anyway. I can't. I would probably just throw up anyway. I almost wonder if that would be a good thing. Meh.

I definitely have felt like cutting since yesterday... but of course I can't do that either. I haven't in almost three and a half years, I can't break that now. But I desperately want to, God how bad I want to.

Commercialism and Eating Disorders

Two things I thought I'd never get caught up in, but here I am all the same. For the last few weeks or so, I've had this crazy urge to spend money on myself, I just want STUFF. I don't know why, I usually don't care too much, but lately I've just wanted to shop a lot. I actually bought some stuff off the clearance table at Abercrombie for the first time in my life a couple weeks ago, and today I bought, yikes, a $160.00 phone!! I got the pink razr, which is a HUGE upgrade from the piece of crap phone I had before... it didn't even have a camera. Hahaha.

This is the thing, before a couple weeks ago I wouldn't have even cared, I never even dreamed of a $160.00 phone. Ay yai yai. But today I spent all that money on it. Whew.

And then there's the food thing. I'm just not as fond of it anymore. I don't want to go into the whole thing at this precise moment in time, but the basic issue is that I never thought I'd ever be at risk for anorexia, but lately I have been really obsessed with body image, and doing all kinds of stuff like the body-fat pinching, constant waist size measuring (26.5"!) and weight (127!) I don't want to get too sucked in, but I also don't want to, you know, get fat... I'm kind of obsessed with perfect. And I have OCD, so I have a really hard time with letting stuff go. Ugh.

On the bright side, I'm finally dating!! I'm going out with this guy from work, he's pretty sweet. Totally into me. That does make me feel better... doesn't always make me feel like eating, but he makes me happy. We had a really great date at the beach the other day, we watched the sunset from a tree... at the end I was about to kiss him but I chickened out cause I'm shy like that... then he told me later he was thinking the same thing. So cute. It sucks that he lives so far away though. Oh well, we'll work it out. :)

Aaaand I'm braindead now, more tomorrow. Isn't it funny how one's brain just quits thinking in words sometimes?