You Live, You Learn

It has already been a hell of a year for life experiences. I could go on and on about Thuy, but I'm tired of being in that place. She's gone, and I need to move on. The best I can do is make the most of my life without her.

What makes my heart so heavy today isn't even my tragedy, but it's so close to home that my heart is broken all the same. A couple of weeks ago, my sister's boyfriend went AWOL from the Navy, and we were all very confused and worried. Today, we found out that his body had just been found in a hotel. I don't know any more than that, but what I've been told is that they're calling it a suicide.

Having just a lost a friend myself, I know a little bit about how much it hurts. But Thuy isn't really dead, she's just... dead to me. I don't really want to go into it, but the short version is that I found out from a mutual friend (after seven months of not hearing from her) that she "just didn't want to be friend anymore." She never even said goodbye, and I never got an explanation.

That being said, it's almost beyond my imagination how much it really hurts when your loved one is really dead. I've known a couple people that died, but no one really close to me, just aquaintances and classmates. Except my grandpa, but that's very different... he was 82 and on life support, it was definitely his time and he was ready to go. But when someone goes before they get married, have kids, or even graduate... that's so much harder to deal with. You never stop wondering what could have been.

And at least for me, I can hardly wrap my brain around it. I didn't know him all that well, but he was very important to my sister, so that makes him at least indirectly important to me. I can still remember talking to him in person when he visiting us when he was on leave, very much alive and animated, with all sorts of plans for the future. I mean, it's impossible, he was just right there!! How can he possibly be dead??

The really, really weird thing is that just a few days ago, I had a dream about him. That's pretty extraordinary, cause like I said I hardly knew him. I dreamed I was at school, but my mom and sister were with me for some reason. I was getting something from my locker, and there was a post-it note on the locker that said "They have found my body. --Lee." And for some reason, we kept expecting him to walk around the corner. In the dream, it didn't make any sense, like how could he have written this note about himself if he was dead, and if that was the case, why did we expect him to show up? But as soon as I woke up, it was totally obvious... the note meant suicide. And, sure enough, it looks like that's what happened in real life.

I feel so weird. It's not that I miss him personally, since I didn't really know him, but it's very unsettling. Suicide is an ugly thought, no matter how you look at it. Especially since I've had to make a few suicide prevention calls for my loved ones before. Ironically, for the very girl that's dead to me now. More than anything, I just hurt for my sister. I really believe they were soulmates, and I don't use that term lightly. He brought out some good things in her, and although I know she's a strong girl, that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. Losing the ones you love is everyone's worst nightmare, and it's already true for her... and she hasn't even graduated from high school yet. I can't fathom the pain she must be going though, and my heart just aches for here. I only hope she can find happiness in something or someone else someday, even though no one can ever take another person's place.

Rest in peace, Lee.