Speaking of UNDERSTANDING, and other stories

This last week at my family's house has reminded me so much of my life in high school, and believe it or not, I actually kind of miss it.

On Wednesday, I got all dressed up in my old goth(ish) clothes, particularly my "old faithful" boots and the torn-up skirt that I wore like, every week. It felt very much like high school, and getting ready for the Evanescence concert reminded me of those parts in between the drama, stress, depression, cutting, and suicide threats that didn't suck. The parts where people I didn't even know called me "Evanescence girl" in between classes, or when I sat in my car in the driveway singing my heart out to the music I loved. Correction: Love.

Being at the concert was, in so many ways, going back in time to the height of my love of the band, and fulfilling the dreams of the high school me that never got to see them live. It was a little weird being at the concert with the temporary musicians - when I saw Ev in Vancouver, it was when John and Rocky were still in the band - and it definitely felt a little more like "The Amy Lee Show" than enjoying the whole band... but then, I suppose, they are called Evanescence after all... that just so happens to mean ephemeral, temporary, like vapor. Everything does change. My life. Her life. The band. And that's okay.

The most powerful moment all night was when she sat down at the piano and played Lithium and Good Enough back to back. If Amy and I had sat down in a room together, figured out one emotion we had in common (as if there were only one!) and decided to write about them, those two songs would have been the result. Basically, those songs express the absolute truth of so many of my feelings... her lyrics could not have captured them more perfectly. So needless to say, I felt incredibly connected to her knowing that the words we were both singing were entirely from the heart, and I felt like our voices were crossing in mid-air and blending... I could see her face so clearly from where I was standing - maybe 20, 25 feet from the stage - and that emotional connection was amazing. I don't suppose I'll ever know if she knew what I was feeling, but I guess that one way connection was enough for me. I felt it. Towards the end of the song, I could tell she was breaking up at some of the phrases, being such an emotional and personal song. To see this person that I've looked up to and cared about so much all these years, almost crying at the song that connected our hearts was about the most incredible and emotional thing I could have ever prayed for.

And course, just her saying "Good evening, Seattle," was the fulfillment of something I've waited years to hear. She even said, "Wow, there's so many of you here! Thanks!" She sounded rather touched... it was sweet.

At the end of the show, when the crowd had finally called the band back for an encore, she sat down at the piano again, and I thought, hm, they must be doing Your Star... that's what they played at the Vancouver encore. But then I heard an organ... an organ? There was no organ on The Open Door... not even on Fallen, really. Not much, anyway.

I thought for a second - really? Are they really--are they seriously--is this actually--? It was. All at one second, Nikki and I looked at each other, and SCREAMED!!! OH MY GOD THEY'RE PLAYING UNDERSTANDING!!!! For those of you that don't know, Understanding was the first Ev song ever to be played on the radio, back in (if I'm not mistaken) 1998. It's off their first EP album, so needless to say, rare and not exactly recent. At the end of the song, Amy said, "Wow, I'm surprised any of you knew that song!" And I was thinking, "HELL YEAH, that's me!!" Way way cool. And then they did Your Star, which is awesome live. The whole show was incredible.

November 21st was the Someday of my high school life, my high school dream. And who knew how far the both of us would have come! In 2004, I don't think either of us could have forseen feeling Good Enough. And yet, there we've both arrived.

So then, on (Black) Friday, I was hanging out with Nikki and Sam, just like old times, talking and laughing and innuendo...ing, and just generally goofing around, in my family's house, in my old room. It still feels like home, even though I've called the dorm, and now my apartment, "home" since last fall. I miss living with my family, living in that room, even if it is nice to have the freedom to run my own life and my own schedule. Having my old room and my high school friends back kind of made me want my old life back. It's so boring at college. To be honest, the "new life," the "real life," whatever you wanna call it, kinda sucks. Competitive majors. Jobs. Realizing how much debt I'm going to have to pay off when I graduate, thank you $50,000 education. Wondering what the fuck I'm going to do with said competitive major in order to pay off said $50,000 education. Not to mention, I never seem to have the inspiration to do anything interesting with the little free time I do have, at least in that creativity-killing, pathetic excuse for a city.

Even things that aren't inherently bad are still huge changes that are going to take a lot of getting used to. I mean, one of my best high school friends is now married and has a baby. A baby! She has an awesome husband, and I'm totally happy for her (and comfortable around him) and her baby is a little angel and I love him with all my heart... but my high school friend wasn't a married mother. She was an angsty kid, just like me. And it's not that I want the angst back. I'm very glad to not have to be the suicide hotline anymore. That's great. But even so, our lives and our friendship have changed. We're on opposite sides of the motherhood line now, and while we're still very close, it's different. And while it's a good different, I still miss the old, uncommitted, single-person friendship we had. And I know we'll never have that again.

On top of it all, uhm, my sister has changed. A LOT. It's not really my business, so I'm not really at liberty to spill all the beans here, but let's say my mom and I are scared, hurt, and totally unsure of what to do. It's scary and depressing.

I'm also depressed that I have to go and endure 2.5 more weeks of the most boring town on the west coast, starting in a couple of hours. And then, at least six more months after Christmas break is over. Ugh. The move to Seattle, providing it all goes as smoothly as I hope, cannot come soon enough. Heh... that reminds me, I still have to figure out how to get around my lease. Gulp.

Alright, so life doesn't totally suck. I think my wounds about the holidays from years past are starting to heal, and I think I might actually enjoy this Christmas season, and, well... it could be worse. I could have literally lost friends, and I haven't. I guess I'm okay. It's just hard, and life's just different. A lot of times, I need change, but especially if I don't instigate it, I always have a hard time dealing with it.